I hear this a lot in the therapy room. Someone finally gets a moment to stop, maybe when the kids are in bed, or work has eased off, or they’ve carved out a bit of time for themselves, and instead of feeling calm or relieved, they feel worse. I know, because I have been here on more than one occasion as an AuDHD therapist, experiencing perimenopause.
Sometimes we can be too anxious and feel more emotional, sometimes even on the edge of tears for no clear reason, when we come to rest. Some of my clients thought slowing down would help. If this is you, I want you to know, nothing has gone wrong here.
What I often see happening
Many of my clients are exceptionally good at pushing through their challenges. They keep going, even when they are exhausted, carrying a heavy emotional, mental, and practical load. To the outside world, they seem to be coping well, but internally, their systems are working overtime. When we are in “just keep going” mode, there isn’t always room to process our feelings. As a result, our bodies protect us by setting aside those emotions so we can function.
Then things slow down, and it all catches up!
In my experience, when life quiets down, my nervous system realises it’s safe to express what it’s been holding back. That’s when all the emotions I didn’t have time for, the tension stored in my body, and the thoughts pushed aside start to resurface. This can feel confusing and frustrating, making it seem like you can’t relax. You may even think, “Why can’t I rest? Am I broken?” But, in reality, it’s your system beginning to emerge from survival mode.
It doesn’t always feel like rest at first
We believe that rest should feel peaceful from the start. But for many people, especially those used to being the strong one, the reliable one, the one who keeps everything going, slowing down can feel very unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Sometimes, when you’ve spent a long time being “on,” stillness can feel a bit exposing, as if everything you’ve been holding suddenly gets a voice.
A different way of understanding it
Instead of thinking, “I’m getting worse,” I encourage you to consider, “Maybe this is my body catching up.” This process doesn’t happen all at once or in an overwhelming way; it unfolds in small moments where something held inside can start to move.
You don’t need to force yourself to relax or push those feelings away. Sometimes, it helps to:
Notice what is present without trying to change it immediately
Feel your feet on the ground or your body in the chair
Soften your breath, just a little
Remind yourself: “This makes sense”
If you identify with this experience, you’re not alone. This is something I frequently observe, and it makes sense when you consider how much your system has been holding. Slowing down may not always be the easy, peaceful experience we imagine, but it can mark the beginning of something important, a big exhale from all that you’ve been carrying.
Want to work with me?
If this resonates with you and you’d like support for what surfaces in those quieter moments, therapy can provide a space where you don’t have to bear it all alone.
I’m a fully qualified therapist specialising in trauma and neurodiversity. I work with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. I let you lead our sessions on the issues you want to bring up. I also offer practical, evidence-based tools that may work for you.