Shame is a complex emotion that can significantly impact anyone, particularly individuals who are neurodivergent.
Neurodivergent shame often manifests as an internalised sense of inadequacy and self-criticism, arising from a lifetime of navigating a neurotypical world that frequently fails to accommodate neurodivergent traits. It can feel as though we are continually receiving unhelpful feedback suggesting we could do better.
This shame may originate from experiencing social stigma, comparisons, being criticised for having different traits, or the need to mask our true selves. Over time, an internal belief forms: “I’m bad.” Regret can also be a factor, particularly in areas such as impulse control, emotional regulation, and other executive functioning skills. We may regret things we have done or things we wish we had done, and feel shame about it.
Neurodivergent individuals often experience shame differently from neurotypical individuals. They may struggle in social situations, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy or embarrassment. It’s essential to recognise that these feelings are not inherently tied to being neurodivergent but often result from societal expectations and misunderstandings.
Shame often relates to a person’s identity rather than their actions; it embodies the feeling of “I feel bad about who I am.” When we receive consistent feedback throughout our lives about how we need to improve, it can seriously undermine our self-worth and amplify feelings of shame about our identity. This emotional turmoil can lead to perfectionism and mental health challenges like anxiety and burnout.
While those who struggle with shame may be intensely focused on how others perceive them, the first step to combating this emotion is self-acceptance. Without accepting and valuing themselves, neurodivergent individuals may find it hard to recognise that others can love and care for them too.
What can help?
1. Self-compassion: Accepting who you are and speaking to yourself with kindness is crucial in challenging a harsh inner critic.
2. Identify triggers: Recognising what triggers shame, like sensory overload or forgotten tasks, can help in managing your reactions.
3. Talking to allies: Engaging with friends, partners, or others who understand and love us plays a vital role in addressing our shame. Compassion acts as an antidote to shame.
4. Finding a tribe: Connecting with other neurodivergent individuals can provide validation and a sense of belonging.
5. Seeking support: Surrounding yourself with supportive people and resources can significantly aid in overcoming feelings of shame.
Want to work with me?
I’m a fully qualified therapist specialising in trauma and neurodiversity. I work with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. I let you lead our sessions with the issues you want to bring. I also offer practical, evidence-based tools that may work for you.
If you’re interested in working with me to address any shame you are experiencing and work towards self-acceptance, please contact me.