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Self-compassion is a rare and wonderful thing that’s difficult for many of us. Many can extend kindness and compassion to others but cannot turn it inward towards themselves. 

A compassionate inner voice can drown out a nagging, critical inner voice. I have a super loud and mean inner critic, and I call her Sharon. She’s horrible; she puts me down, shouts at me, and makes me doubt my self-worth.

More recently, Trish has entered the scene. She’s lovely. She tells me I’m doing okay, will make a good therapist, and am worthy of love. She’s kind to me. 

Many of us have a Sharon, but not many have a Trish. When we talk to ourselves harshly or shout if we mess up, the self-image we carry becomes the story we are telling ourselves. It’s often not true. 

Childhood experiences can sadly lead to feelings of not being good enough, affecting our self-esteem and creating a strong inner critic. 

I always return to a quote from Susan Jeffers when I know I need to give myself a break. She said, “You are good enough exactly as you are, and who you are is a powerful and loving human being who is learning and growing every step of the way.”

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we make mistakes or doubt ourselves. This links back to knowing our emotions rather than ignoring our pain or berating ourselves.

Self-compassionate people recognise that not being perfect and experiencing difficulties in life is inevitable. They listen to their emotions, which point towards what they need. They don’t shout at themselves; they soothe and comfort themselves. 

How to be more tender towards yourself

When I need to be kinder towards myself, I think of little me. I remember little me struggling at primary school and copying a friend’s spelling test because she couldn’t spell some of the bigger words. She got in trouble, and her friend didn’t speak to her for weeks. 

When I think of this, I want to hug my younger self. That was all I knew to do then, and I made a mistake because I was struggling (if only I knew then that I was dyslexic). I don’t want to shout and scold little me; I want to soothe her and tell her everything will be okay. I want to show her kindness and take care of her.

Just imagine how it feels to be supportive and tender towards ourselves. It can feel good if we do it once or twice. Developing self-compassion and self-love as a habit can be transformative. 

Book recommendations:

Self-compassion, for me, is still sometimes a struggle. Sharon’s voice is quieter, but she can still pop up when I make mistakes. I’ve found the books listed below helpful. 

• Kirsten Neff’s book on Self-compassion is an excellent place to start. 
• For Women, read her follow-up. Fierce Self-Compassion.
• Louise Hay is also a brilliant writer on this topic. The Power Within talks about our inner voice and reprogramming old ways of thinking about ourselves. 
• If you like to write, I’d also recommend The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook; it includes medications and exercises on how to be a better friend to ourselves. 

Please contact me with any questions about how therapy might help you to find your self compassion.

I’ve just read the comment piece (Therapy Shouldn’t be a Dangerous Gamble) by Libby Purves in the Times on the need for greater counselling regulation, and I agree.

I’ve sat in front of excellent therapists, some mediocre ones, and a properly damaging one who shut me in a room and told me to think of my favourite colour after I disclosed past abuse to him. 

We all seek out therapy, looking for help and a safe space to explore our feelings. You can instead sometimes find yourself feeling let down by a counsellor or mental health professional, and you may have left feeling misunderstood or harmed by the process. 

This can feel like a violation and be very painful. Sometimes, this might be traumatising. It can make us feel powerless and can cause new psychological harm. 

It’s essential to trust your intuition. I’m sure most therapists are good people with good intentions. However, good therapists are human and may make mistakes. Bad therapists are possibly drawn to the sector for the wrong reasons, and some are bad at their job. If things sometimes don’t seem right – don’t assume it’s you who is wrong.

How to report and get support

If you are currently in therapy and are concerned about any aspect of what is happening. Or if you have had an experience that has concerned you.

You can: 

Contact TELL (Therapy Exploitation Link Line), which offers email support to people who have experienced harm in therapy. There are lots of helpful resources available to read through. 

You can also contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) to get help with counselling concerns. They can offer confidential guidance and information to help you. 

Please contact me if I can offer any support with previous professional harm.

Our emotions can help us understand and look after ourselves if we can listen to what they are trying to tell us. 

In the past, I’ve tried to deny that I had any emotions. I suppressed them from an early age to appease others. And, I learnt that if I presented with the version of me, that wasn’t okay. I was told I was too much, too emotional and crazy. So, for many years, I hid and bottled up my feelings.

In my personal life and relationships, I tried to be a ‘good girl’ who wasn’t messy, inadequate or flawed. I wanted to hang onto relationships and friendships. I wanted to be liked.

In the workplace, too, I learned that being emotional made me a liability to some. I controlled and denied my feelings, and my mental health and relationships suffered. 

Emotions are data

Emotions can tell us what is going on for us. They signal us what we need to do to be calm and grounded within ourselves. 

However, emotions can be frightening and challenging to accept. Learning to sit with how we feel, rather than thinking something is wrong with us – can bring clarity and freedom. 

The more we recognise the importance of our emotions as a key means of understanding and caring for ourselves. And the more we feel our emotions as they flow through our bodies, the better we can meet the needs they point us to.  

How to feel emotions

We will feel emotions in our bodies; for me, anxiety is a heavy churning in the gut. Sadness is an enormous weight across my shoulders. Shame is burning in my cheeks. Anger tells us we’ve been hurt, suffered an injustice, or need to change something. Sadness is often our emotional response to loss.

Societal pressure

The pressure to ‘suck it up’ our emotions and feelings shows the pressure of society to deny, avoid and suppress how we feel. And yet, there is growing evidence that stress, anxiety and depression can develop from emotions that are ignored, denied, or pushed away. 

Many of us have been raised to hide our emotions, keep them quiet or disregard them. Connecting with, recognising, feeling, and naming them can take time and be hard work.

How to find support

Therapy gives us a safe space to sit with our emotions freely and without judgment. Listening to and feeling our emotions is sometimes painful, and at other times, it can be enlightening.

We can learn to manage our emotions better and reach the ones we’ve pushed down deep. The more comfortable and accepting we are with our emotions, the better we can address the needs they reveal to us. This stops us from doing things that help us to avoid pain.

Learning to recognise how we feel and sharing it with our loved ones or a trusted therapist is the first step towards becoming more authentic and true to ourselves. 

My emails are always open if you have questions or need signposting to support. 

If I ruled the world, I’d ensure that everyone has therapy at some point. Because I think it would make the world a much nicer place. And because I believe it helps people to recover, grow and develop.

Therapy is stigmatised, still. Mental health is still misunderstood, so therapy doesn’t feel normal for many of us.

But, therapy can offer a warm and supportive space to sit with someone who will gently challenge and encourage you as you look at healing, recovering or becoming your true, unapologetic self.

It can help with major challenges in life or traumatic experiences, but it can also help in the less difficult times to help you figure out who you are and where you want to go.

Often, our thoughts lead to our emotions, and we tell ourselves stories that are not necessarily true. Therapy can help us to consider what matters. It helps us to decide how we want to live our lives on our own terms.

We might all experience stress, anxiety or depression throughout our lifetime. This could be due to a mental health problem. Or due to a job loss, a relationship breakdown or bereavement.

Most of the time, we’ll be able to bounce back. But sometimes, we need more help and support; this is where therapy can help. A good therapist will make you feel seen and heard, sit with you through the hard times, and help you un-muddle a messy mind.

If you have any questions about therapy or how to find a good therapist, please get in touch with me.